Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.

Inspired by Kim

I hope I will stick to this… Might help me to set some of my thoughts straight.

I stopped hating my body, which is a good thing. Not that I started loving it, but at least the body and I are on a way to accept each other. Plus I realized I can change the body, and that only I can do it, nobody else.

What I really hate about myself is my lack of confidence. I would love to be more at ease with me, who I am and what I am. I know that most people think I am a really confident person, but frankly, I am not. I keep on wondering why people like me, why I have friends as good as I have.

Every action is followed by a minute of insecurity. “Did I do this right? Shouldn’t I have it this way or that way?”

I NEVER try to see other people’s mistakes, I am always pretty sure it’s me that made that mistake. A guy not calling back? Oh well, it’s not him being an idiot, its pretty much me,  because I probably said/did something wrong. Oh and why should he call back? I am not attractive, I am not very clever, I wouldn’t call me either. Simple as that.

Being talked to rudly? Not the other person’s fault, it’s because I probably caused that kind of behaviour in the first place by something I did.

I am not good with critique. Not because I think that I do everything right and shouldn’t be critizised. Simply because I almost instantly think “Yes, right, it’s because I suck.” This is part of me and I know I should change it. Its hard, though. and I would love to find a way out of that vicious circle.

Any advice, apart from writing down what I like about myself? Because that is not much…

Liebe emotionale Silke…

du schaffst das, egal, wie du ich gerade fühlst.
Deine Entscheidung, die Beziehung zu beenden war richtig, aber das ist ja eh das einzige, bei dem du dir sicher bist.
Mach dir nicht so viele Gedanken über das, was da war und was du hättest verhinden sollen, können, müssen. Bringt nämlich nix. Ist ja eh schon passiert. Ich weiß, du denkst gerne viel nach und hast gerne die Kontrolle, aber du wirst dich dran gewöhnen müssen, dass du die nicht immer haben kannst.
Fang einfach an, deine Pläne für dein neues Leben umzusetzen, ohne auf irgendwelche Befindlichkeiten Rücksicht zu nehmen.
Leb dein Leben, jetzt!
Bussi – deine rationale Seite!

Offener Brief an die Lebensgefährtin meines Vaters

Inge,

 

mal im Ernst – was glaubst du eigentlich, was du da gerade machst?

Ich hätte mich so gerne gut mit dir verstanden, auch über Papas Tod hinaus. Unabhängig von irgendwelchen Erbgeschichten, unabhängig von Geld. Aber das scheint dir nicht möglich zu sein.

Du hast in den letzten Wochen nicht nur meinen Zwilling, meinen Vater und mich verbal angegriffen, sondern auch meine Mutter.

Meinen Vater, mit dem du über 30 Jahre zusammen warst anzugreifen, nachdem er nichtmal  2 Monate lang tot ist, finde ich schon grenzwertig.

Dirk und mir Habgier und andere Unverschämtheiten an den Kopf zu werfen, auch.

Ich würde so gerne wissen, was du  dir denkst… warum du dich so benimmst und warum du uns ausgelacht hast. Wirklich, Dirk und ich waren sehr großzügig in unserem Gespräch und du hast uns ausgelacht. Jetzt spielst du aber das Opfer zweier unfassbar unverschämter Kinder. Ja, Kinder, denn so behandelst du uns. Nicht wie 32-jährige Erwachsene, sondern wie 5-jährige Kinder.

Aber all das – bitte, wenn es dir in deiner Trauerarbeit hilft. Mir ist das soweit egal.

Dass du aber über Moral sprichst, du, die eine Affäre mit meinem Vater hatte, als der zu Hause eine mit Zwillingen schwangere Frau sitzen hatte, finde ich unfassbar. Meine Mutter ist die tollste Frau der Welt, die beste Mutter, der wunderbarste Mensch, den ich kenne – wag es dich nie wieder, sie anzugreifen. Meine Mutter hat uns zu ehrbaren Erwachsenen gemacht, nachdem sie das – auch wegen dir – alleine machen musste. Und jetzt kommst du nicht, und sprichst vor vollkommen Fremden schlecht über diese Frau, die ich mehr bewundere als jeden anderen Menschen.

Ich hoffe, du wirst glücklich mit dem Schutzengel aus Papas Auto – denn wenn man sich so benimmt, brauchst du einen Schutzengel mehr als Dirk und ich.

 

Ohne Grüße

Silke

Nur so – damit es mal raus ist. Abgeschickt ohne nochmal zu lesen…

Ich habe das Gefühl, dass ich mir etwas von der Seele schreiben muss.
Mein Vater ist tot. Seit 16 Tagen. Und ich bin so unendlich traurig, dass ich es nicht in Worte fassen kann. Er fehlt mir. Ich bin aber auch wütend. Mit dem Schicksal. Die ersten 29 Jahre meines Lebens wollte ich immer einen Vater haben. So wie die anderen Kinder auch. Einen, der mich verwöhnt, der da ist, der mich toll findet. Dann hab ich meinen Vater wiedergefunden. Und 2 Jahre später stirbt er innerhalb von 4 Wochen an Krebs? Was soll das? Ich glaube ja eigentlich, dass alles im Leben seinen Sinn hat, aber das erschließt sich mir leider gar nicht. Warum durfte ich nur 2 Jahre lang einen Vater haben? Er hat sich auch noch so bemüht, versucht alles verpasste vergessen zu machen.
Die Menschen können zum Mond fliegen, aber niemand konnte meinem Vater helfen? Bevor ich Kontakt zu ihm hatte, habe ich immer überlegt, wer mich irgendwann mal zum Altar führt. Und jetzt? Verdammt, ich will das einfach nicht. Ich WILL, dass mein Vater wieder kommt und mir sagt, dass alles gut wird. Dass er eine Liste anlegt für irgendwas, so wie er es so gerne gemacht hat.
Ich will auch nicht stark sein. Gerade will ich mich einfach ins Bett legen und schlafen, weinen, schlafen… Aber das geht ja nicht. Das Leben geht ja (Gott sei Dank) weiter. Aber die Ohnmacht bleibt.
Ich wäre so gerne positiver und würde nicht bei jedem Lied anfangen zu heulen. Aber dazu fehlt mir die Kraft. Am Wochenende war ich mit Papas Dauerkarte im Stadion, Fußball gucken. Er wäre sauer gewesen, wenn wir die Karte hätten verfallen lassen. Beim letzten Heimspiel waren wir noch zusammen und er war so stolz auf mich. All seinen Kumpels hat er mich vorgestellt und immer so glücklich gegrinst. Letzte Woche saß ich mit seinen Kumpels bei der Beerdigung und gestern alleine mit ihnen im Stadion. Schrecklich war das. Aber mein Vater hat von da oben aus bestimmt, dass unsere Mannschaft gewinnt.
Ich hatte bis Samstag kein Foto von ihm, geschweige denn eins mit ihm. Samstag hat meine Cousine mir eins gegeben, was sie im Mai gemacht hat. Da sieht er total gesund aus. Und meine Stiefmutter hat eins gefunden, auf dem er mich als Baby hält und ganz verliebt anschaut. Ich glaube, er hat mich lieb gehabt, auch wenn er das nie gesagt hat. Zumindest hoffe ich das. Und ich hoffe, ich konnte ihn in unserer kurzen Zeit ein wenig stolz machen.
Verdammt… Filiz hat Gott sei Dank gefühlte 4 Millionen Fotos mit Papa und mindestens genauso viele gute Erinnerungen, die der selbsternannte Spaßminister ihr bereitet. Der Großteil der Zeit, die ich mit meinem Vater verbracht habe, war im Krankenhaus und im Hospiz. Manchmal nervt das Leben mich, weil es so unfair ist. Manchmal weiß ich nicht, wie es weiter gehen soll. Manchmal hoffe ich, dass all das ganz schnell vorbei geht. Und manchmal gibt es wunderbare Freunde, die immer da sind, mich ertragen, wann immer ich heule und/oder wütend bin. Danke, meine beiden “I”-Froindinnen Iris und Ilka.
Papa… danke für unsere kurze Zeit. Und pass bloß von da oben aus auf mich auf. Ich hab dich lieb!

Okay, here we go

Yeah, I have been absent for a while. I have nothing to blog about, or so it seems. A few facts, what happened:

* Elvis grows and grows and grows. Unfortunately, he spends more time at neighbour’s homes (yes, 3 different neighbours that is) than with us. They all spoil him rotten and he seems to prefer that to Lana, the other cat, chasing him all over the place.

* I have moved my office. My old office was VERY close to the house in Cologne, that dropped down… I am now in a new office and probably will move to another new place in the next weeks. We’ll see.

* Hakan, Filiz and I have been to Paris (Disneyland, that is) and London (home sweet home) for a few days each and it was awesome. Hakan and I will go to Turkey in June and I cannot wait at all.

* I just bought three DVDs: Pretty Woman, Bodyguard and Dirty Dancing. So just, that you all know, that I love me some chick flicks.

Well, thats it for today. I am sorry, but my life is pretty boring. It really is!

@Steffi: I don’t even have your blogaddress… Let me know how to read your blog.

Have a good day everyone!

The new cat moved in

8 week-old Elvis joined our crazy household yesterday. So far, he seems to like it.

It’s a shame, that Lana, our older cat, seems to be scared by that little thing and decided to be annoyed by him and us for now. Oh well, I guess, she will get over it soon.

Look at Elvis, isnt he just the cutest?

Ilka, her man and the mouse

I finally met up with Ilka and Michael yesterday. It has been a while since our last meeting (as you can tell by looking at my so called haircut) and it was so gut seeing both of them.

We had a great night out in Cologne, with lot of talking, really good food and a mouse running around in the restaurant. Disgusting and the waiters really didn’t even apologize for the little animal running around. I was totally grossed out.

The weekend was ok, although I would have preferred a better Eurocup Finale. But, well, life isn’t fair, right.

So here’s a little photo of Ilka and me (don’t look at my armes, I know that they are HUGE!!). 

I am sorry

I know, I haven’t written in a while and I would like to excuse myself with… life.

Gosh, have those month been hectic. We shot all five episodes of my project (to be aired in August) and I spent a lot of time away from home. Not cool, although one trip even got me to the lovely Spanish island Majorca. Still, working 18 hours a day is way too much for me and I was on the verge of a breakdown last week, when I took 8 days off from work. Today is my last day off and I don’t like the idea of going back to the office tomorrow.

H has had a rough couple of weeks with anxiety and is just about to feel better. After more than four weeks off, he went back to work yeterday. He is doing okay. But seeing him that weak always makes me feel bad. I would love to be able to help him more, but seems as if that is not possible. He is doing better now and I really hope it will stay that way at least for a while.

Well, on the other hand, I am fat. Yeah, I know, I have always been, but I through all this hectic month, I managed to put on 16kg. Yeah, good job on that. How I did it? Eat lots of junk, lots of chocolate, no sports and basically eating nonstop. Eating comforts me big time and so I ate. A. LOT. I don’t like myself this way but still I don’t seem to be able to change my behaviour at all.

Poor Ilka had to take in a lot of my whining, her being the strong one with shedding those pounds like it was nothing. I am proud of you honey and whenever I think about how horrible I look, seeing you in so much better shape cheers me up. Maybe I can follow your path soon and then we’l hit town to do some serious shopping.

Until then I will feel sorry for myself and hope, that I will be able to feel better and start losing weight again. Right now, I will go back into the house and hope, no one will see me looking this shitty…

Well, but not everything is bad. We bought a new car just recemtyl and I love i. Its a 2006 VW Polo and its so much nicer than my old car was. Much more comfortable and bigger, too. We plan to make it able to run on LPG to make driving to work more affordable. Don’t get me started on those gas prices…

And the Eurocup is on. People, I love it and I REALLY am looking forward to that game against Turkey tomorrow. H and I decided to watch it with other people because we were scared to get into a fight over the match. At the end of the day, H is Turkish and I am German… so lets just hope we will beat them and I don’t have to listen to this “my country is better than your country soccerwise”…

So, have a good semifinal everyone!

Stuff Portrait Friday – SONG

It’s another Stuff Portrait Friday from Kristine over at randomandodd.com.

Today its all about our favourite song.

Mine is: “One of God’s better people” by Robbie Williams

And this is my Mum, who truely is “One of God’s better people”. In every kind of way: she is loving, warm, beautiful, strong, intelligent and just the best Mum in the World. I love you, Mama!

New car?

So, here is my problem and I need your help. It’s about my car… or maybee soon-to-be ex-car.

I use my car a lot, about 120km every day and I need it to get to work and back home.

My current car is a 2001 VW Polo with 212.000km driven. I bought this car almost 7 years ago. I love it and it still drives me around, but it starts to have issues, ie not starting properly after a rainy night.

A friend of my parents, B, has a 2006 VW Polo (32.000km driven) to sell. He wants 8.800€, which is ok as the car cost 14.000€ two years ago (at least that is, what I researched). My Mum basically talked me into calling this guy, because I did not see the point in buying a new one, when mine is still doing ok. But she said I should at least call him and so I did. It all ended with H, my parents and me driving to B’s house, to have a look at the car. I actually thought “Well, I will be polite, look at it and tell him, that I do not have 8.800€ and that I am sorry that I won’t buy the car”.

So, I had a look at the car (looks great, 5 doors, silver, all electric stuff a car could have, incl GPS (good for me, who gets lost EVERYWHERE)) and drove a few hundred meters without even thinking to buy the damn thing.

My stepdad drove the car too and loved it. As he is the business man of our lovely family, he asked B about the price and all. And that’s where my misery started. B actually offered me an interesting-free loan if I would buy the car off of him. I was puzzled. All my oh so clever “Sorry, I actually do not have the money and don’t wanna pay a whole lotta interest to a bank” lines had been torn apart with that offer. He even offered me to name the monthly payment myself.

I mean, it’s a great offer, the car itself is worth more than I would pay. I would have to buy a new car in less than 2 years anyway, so I might as well spare me some nerves if my car breaks down. No one will give me an interesting free loan in two years (who does that anyways???) and there is no way, that I safe enough to get a good new car in that time space, either (yeah, I know, I could’ve started saving earlier, MUM).

My brother would buy my current car for 700€ or so… so that would be taken care of.

What would you do? Buy that car and pay off 130€ monthly plus directly giving him my tax return, when I receive it and that kind of stuff, so that I will be done in a three years or something? Or just keep on driving my current car until it falls apart? Also the likliness that my current car will have some more issues, that will cost me a lot of money to repair, is a lot higher than the new cars…

I am lost, help me…

UPDATE: I won’t buy the car. This special car-range of VW Polo has a huge history of breaking after 50.000km. With a motor to be replaced. Can’t afford that. I am sad…