Kristine said she wanted to write a blog entry about absent fathers… and I wrote down my story for her. Which was good and not good. I had a huge crying night over that whole “my father does not like me” issue last week. And as it is a huge part of my life at the moment, I decided, I wanted to share it with you guys… sorry if I am repeating myself.
Here is my email I sent Kristine, before my father came to visit me.
My dad cheated on my Mum while she was pregnant with my twin brother and me. He got kicked out when my Mum found out (I was 3 months old).
As far as I know, he came to pick us up every other Sunday until I was 4 years old and reportedly said “I don’t wanna go see dad”, like every 4 year old probably does at some point. My dad took this chance never to pick us up again… EVER.
I am very close to my family (Mum and 2 brothers) so, for a while, I guess, I didn’t miss anything. Being older than 7 or 8 years old though, I would have preferred to have a dad.
My Mum got married again twice, but I never managed to have a real father-daughter relationship with them. I am not sure if the men did not want it or if I subconsciously did not allow it. I was, and still am, a very serious person, always on the edge to depression, always thinking to much about everything.
I had hungered for a father all my life, envied all my friends for having caring fathers, that loved (and spoiled) them to pieces. I guess, that every girl in this world benefits of two parents (which also could be of the same sex by the way). Being (sometimes more, sometimes less) self confident has always been a struggle. My theory is, that no one ever gave me this utter feeling of being the most beautiful, most intelligent and most adorable girl in the world and that this ended in me believing, that I simply am a fat, kinda stupid chick. To tell you the truth, I still have days and weeks of feeling like this. I know, that I am not stupid (well, I am not Einstein either, but I am doing ok) and although I am overweight, I do look ok… But I miss that basic trust – in men and myself. I had my first boyfriend when I was 21 and I guess, that is, because I truly believed, no man on earth would ever love me, coz, hey, not even my father did.
Being 30 years old now, I realized that my dad made my life so much harder than it could have been. In my opinion, I might be more slf confident, more relaxed when bonding with people and more balanced with myself.
I met my father for the first time since I was 4 last year. I had written him a letter, because I wanted to know what kind of a person he is. We met two times now and talk on the phone. Its ok, nothing overly exciting, but I don’t open myself to him. He is coming to my house on Sunday for the first time, but I realized, that NOTHING could ever bring back those 25 years. This might be the last time I will meet him, although he puts effort into re-building our relation. I just don’t feel anything meeting him.
Being sad that I have not had a father turned into being angry and kinda bitter now. I hate him for being selfish and rather raising his new wife’s kids than raising his own kids makes me angry… I fear this anger might never get away. I try to get over everything I blame him for, but still: Almost everyone around me (girlfriends, work colleagues etc) has at least had the chance to love their fater – I haven’t… and I hate it.
My boyfriend has an 8-year-old daughter, I adore her. Watching them playing, studying, cuddling and simply loving and caring for each other, still makes me cry from time to time though. This little princess has everything I wanted all my life and she truly believes, that she is a wonderful princess. He would die for her and she trusts him without any doubt. I love seeing them like that… and hope I will get over my lack of all of this soon.
Well, the visit I wrote about was ok. I realized I like my father’s fiancee more than I like him so far. Meeting him still stresses me a lot. More than I seem to be able to handle at the moment. BUT I probably might have to give the whole issue some more time before I make a decision about my future with my dad… I just hope, that H won’t have to comfort me after crying for hours about all of this…
